Body language

Somewhere along the way we all hear about body language and the basics: if he touches his nose, he is lying. Most of us don't pay much attention to this - some smells cause allergic reactions which makes me touch my nose constantly - I'm not lying!

Just how can knowing about body language improve your life? Well, for starters you can figure out how people feel about what you are saying. That is pretty handy when you are trying to close a deal or make an impact somehow.

Here's what you should look for:

Crossed arms universally means the person is being cold, defensive, and stand-offish or "closed up". It's why you often see bodyguards standing like this.

Let's say you're standing in a group of people. If someone has folded arms, chances are they're not having fun. You might also see them looking around.

It is said that feet are a great body language cue and the most accurate and most difficult to hide. Look which direction the person's feet are pointing. If they're both pointed towards the rest of the group, they're interested in the conversation.

If one of their feet is pointing towards the exit, it means they would rather be somewhere else. People also often point one of their feet at the person in the group they're most interested in.

The eyes are another good indicator and the simplest of all. Someone who is not looking at you directly could be hiding something. Alternatively, if your date is looking at your mouth constantly, it could mean that they'd like to kiss you!

To use body language productively in your own life, this little exercise will show you how:

1. Think of something that is mildly bothering you. Note your body language. Are you slouching, breathing shallow breaths, frowning?

2. Now stop that thought in it's tracks. Pull your shoulders back, chin up, deep breaths, big smile. How do you feel now?

3. Keeping that upright posture and big smile - think of the negative thought again. It seems so much better than the first time around!

Whenever you are faced with a negative thought, simply adjust your posture and see how much better it seems. Alternatively, just practice a silly smile as often as you can!

20 Facts for women

A brilliant email I received recently, adapted from the writings of South African author Maretha Maartens.


1. Mr Right's ego is a thin membrane. Stay away from a man with an even thinner ego, else you will be held responsible when it tears.

2. Don't be too eager to get engaged or get married. If he is meant to be, he wouldn't allow another woman to steal him away within the next 6 months.

3. When adopted children walk all over your heart, it's not because they are adopted, it's because they are kids.

4. The hearts of elderly parents are as vulnerable as their hips.

5. Married daughters or daughters-in-law's dirty floors, sticky kettle and tacky decor is fine just as it is!

6. You don't have to attend everything you are invited to, you don't have to do everything, remember everything, have everything or know everything.

7. Your weight is fine as long as your thighs are not rubbing and chafing sore.

8. Whatever you are going through - that too shall pass.

9. The fight against aging is interesting, but in acceptance is a treasure of peace.

10. When we stop dressing up nicely and hide underneath tracksuits and oversize t-shirts, we lie and say "I am comfortable like this" - what we really say is "I don't feel comfortable in my own skin."

11. When all else fails - God cares.

12. When we obsess about developing a certain talent in our childrens' lives, we seldom realise how many potential friends they lose.

13. Divorce is not an unforgivable sin, but it's a shark-attack on children.

14. Sex is meant to be enjoyed.

15. The seed of unforgivable sins lie buried under the sand in each one of us, waiting to be watered so that it can grow.

16. Guard your heart as that controls your future.

17. Life is hard. Men want softness. A woman should never be too approachable, too independent, too talkative, too quiet, too dependent, too suspicious, too gullible or too hasty.

18. To only want in life is selfish - give a little!

19. The world does not revolve around you. You'd be surprised to know how seldom others talk about you.

20. You may be only one person in the world, but to one person you mean the world.

Who decides how you should see yourself?

Who rules your life?

Have you ever stopped to think who is in control of the decisions you make and the actions you take?

The first thing most people do when they need to make a decision, is to ask for others' opinions. That in itself is not necessarily a bad thing - others see things that we don't and they may have valid input. Sometimes people are so kind as to offer advice, even without you having to ask for it.

Three important questions to ask yourself when taking advice are:

1. How qualified is the person in the area which they are advising me in?
2. How does my decision influence them?
3. How well do they know me and does that influence their advice?

When you get negative input from someone, or they suggest you don't do something that you have decided on already (i.e. unasked for opinions) you should stick to your convictions. Don't let others' judgmental or uninformed opinions weigh more than your own. You know yourself better than anyone else and if you feel that you are right, stick with it!

Always remember these important points:

1. Never let go of your core values for anyone.
2. Walk tall - be proud of who you are.
3. Have your goals in your mind always.
4. Love yourself, be your own best friend.
5. It's your life, you don't have to answer to anyone else.

Live your life to the full, enjoy each moment and remember, everyone makes mistakes.

2nd hand info clouds your judgment

In any group of friends, there is always the trouble maker. This is a person who would go around from one person to another, discussing someone in the group, often saying very detrimental things. When we hear things about someone we don't know very well, we are likely to believe the stories and that in turn affects the way we treat them.

In NLP there is a saying "The map is not the territory" which means that a territory doesn't necessarily look exactly like it does on a map. Therefore, what we presume of a person may not necessarily be very accurate.

A very good friend once worked for a man who was attracted to her, but she was not attracted to him. The boss' wife was a jealous lady and assumed that my friend too was attracted to the boss and immediately started a smear campaign against my friend. The damage was obvious in the way the rest of the staff treated my friend, especially when there was an incident that caused more jealousy with the wife. The fact that my friend worked out of the office and never spent 5 minutes with the rest of the staff meant that they actually didn't know her at all and she had no time to prove herself to them.

Before you say something about someone else, first ask yourself "Am I prepared to say this to their face?". If the answer is "No!" - then keep quiet about it. If it's something untrue or an unfair assumption, people are bound to discover the truth and you will lose all your credibility and the respect of the entire group. Also look at your motivations for telling people this - what are you going to gain from telling this and what are the people that you are sharing it with going to benefit?

Most importantly - when discussing someone else with others - how could it affect the person you are discussing? Could it cost her her job? Could she lose friends through it? Does her losing make you feel good about yourself?

Take time to form your own impressions, never listen to third party gossip. That person may not have anything in common with the person they are trashing, whereas maybe you do. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt before you get your opinions clouded by unfair judgment.

Who are you really helping?

We've all said it before. Everyone has said it - "I want to help people." Do we truly have the best intentions when we say that and do we truly plan on following through?

Television and the news expose us to acceptance speeches of all kinds, delivered by everyone from ministers to beauty queens. They all want to help people and we all judge when we don't notice the difference they make. Did they just say it so that they could be elected?

The dictionary offers various definitions of the word "help", yet there is a little voice crying inside of me as I think at some point, we all get a bit carried away in our helpfulness.

Why do you help people?

Some people offer help in order to make the person they have helped indebted to them, thus creating a master / slave relationship. At some point the helped person will become weary of the demands / restrictions and rebel. The helper in turn will become resentful and the initial kindness may dwindle into non-exsistence. Did the helper indeed help the person? I don't think so. It was done with an agenda, even if it was subconcious.

Neuro-Linguistic Programming speaks of a concept called Ecology, which should be applied to all situations. Whenever you make a decision, you should ask yourself these two questions:

1. Is it good for me?
2. Is it good for others?

If you answer yes, good and well! If not - can you live with it?

Then there is the question of what kind of help it is that you are offering. Do you judge their needs based on your own values and interpretations of the situation?

Many people refuse to give beggars money, some suggest that you rather buy them food. It is thought that if you give a beggar money, he would go buy alcohol and people are not prepared to fund beggars' drinking habits. I used to agree with this, until I started looking at the kind of help people have offered me in the past. Is the help you offer what the other person is asking for? If not, are you really helping them?

Imagine walking a long distance in a huge rainstorm on your way home. Your neighbour stops by the side of the road on her way home too and you ask her for a lift, but instead she passes you a towel to dry your hair and says "See you at home!". Now that won't feel too good.

So next time, let's trust the person we decide to help. After all, they know what they want and need. Your help should be unconditional enough for it not to bother you if they mess it up somehow.

If your help comes with conditions or judgment, it will be received that way. If you give in order to get, you won't get. Simple as that!

Your situation - your choice

In communicating with people on the whole, we hear sad stories of hurt and difficulty, whether it be due to broken relationships with friends, family or loved ones, or difficulties financially or in the workplace. "Life is hard" - that is what they say.

There are a number of schools of thought, the two main schools being the "charitable school" which try to help where they can to make circumstances better for those in need or the "new age school". The new age school of thought is that you are responsible for your circumstances as "everything in life happens through choice".

A couple lost a child recently and the mother of the child started actively searching for meaning in losing a 6 year old child to cancer. She has concluded that it was in fact her choice to lose the child.

If you happen to be in a horrific accident where you lose all your limbs and organs, it's your choice - you chose to be in that particular place at that particular time. Do you buy that?

Personally I think that is totally ridiculous. Your life plan is mapped out before you and you don't have the power to make choices that these people give you the responsibility for.

Here's an example: You go to a restaurant and order a huge cheeseburger combo meal. The waitress brings you a chicken wrap or fish and chips. Is that your choice? No - you chose a big juicy cheeseburger!

According to the dictionary, choice suggests the opportunity or privilege of choosing freely .

A synonym for 'choice' is 'option', which implies a power to choose that is specifically granted or guaranteed .

When you choose to get involved in a new business venture, you are not guaranteed of the outcome, no matter how well you plan and strategise. Some things are out of your control.

Suggesting that you chose to go bankrupt, suggests that you knew that option existed upfront and you made a conscious, informed decision, based on having all the facts at hand at the time of making the initial decision.

If you are beating yourself up about a 'choice' you made that put you in the situation you are in right now, the only option you have is to shake off the blame right now.

Blame is what is holding you back from achieving what you are worth

The map is not the territory

"The map is not the territory" - the facilitator at the Neuro-Linguistic Practitioners training seminar said and everyone looked at him with blank expressions... What on earth does that mean?

At the time I also didn't 'get it'... Now, years later I GET IT.

Think about a road map which you are consulting to visit a new city (a territory). If you're lucky, it's a very informative, modern map which indicates where you will find airports, libraries, churches, schools, etc. So by following the little squiggly red and blue lines, you know how to get to the city and which lines to follow to get to various attractions in the city.

The same applies to a person.

You know where to find the person, you know the basic outlines of their being by way of how they look and how they behave outwardly.

Yet, a map doesn't tell you when the roads were built, what shops the city contains and who lives there. The same applies to a person. It is impossible to really and truly know exactly who that person is - deep inside, the emotions they experience...

Just like we don't judge a city by a map and tread carefully around the unknown streets, we shouldn't judge a person by what we know about them. For every little thing we don't understand a person, there is a million things we don't.

Constructive critisism

Join me in my discovery of becoming more diplomatic – a selection of tips from various sources.

After being told by my significant other that I am the most undiplomatic person alive, I’ve decided to take a few lessons. (One wonders how constructive that criticism was?)

The trick is to be critical without being hurtful – that in itself seems like an oxymoron to me, but hey, I’m merely a student!

1. One-on-one – You never know how the person will react to critique, so don’t criticise in front of other people.

2. Be Amiable – Criticism given in anger is destructive, no matter how valid it is.

3. Balance – If you always criticise someone, they will become immune to it, or simply avoid you. Balance it with compliments and affection. That will they will take it from the same place you mean it.

4. Don’t attack – package your story in a kind fashion as opposed to insult or be nasty. Don’t say, “Your new hair colour doesn’t suit you” – rather say, “That hair colour is nice, I preferred the blonde though. Oh and I LOVE the style!”

It’s normal for a person’s feelings to be hurt after criticism, no matter how constructive. Everyone has an innate need to be accepted in full and we are all sensitive. The key is to be kind. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all!

Constructive critisism

Join me in my discovery of becoming more diplomatic – a selection of tips from various sources.

After being told by my significant other that I am the most undiplomatic person alive, I’ve decided to take a few lessons. (One wonders how constructive that criticism was?)

The trick is to be critical without being hurtful – that in itself seems like an oxymoron to me, but hey, I’m merely a student!

1. One-on-one – You never know how the person will react to critique, so don’t criticise in front of other people.

2. Be Amiable – Criticism given in anger is destructive, no matter how valid it is.

3. Balance – If you always criticise someone, they will become immune to it, or simply avoid you. Balance it with compliments and affection. That will they will take it from the same place you mean it.

4. Don’t attack – package your story in a kind fashion as opposed to insult or be nasty. Don’t say, “Your new hair colour doesn’t suit you” – rather say, “That hair colour is nice, I preferred the blonde though. Oh and I LOVE the style!”

It’s normal for a person’s feelings to be hurt after criticism, no matter how constructive. Everyone has an innate need to be accepted in full and we are all sensitive. The key is to be kind. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all!

Coping with indecision

Nothing is as frustrating as a person who can’t make decisions… especially if it’s you!

There are so many options available in today’s harried life and each option has it’s own pro’s and cons. The question is which option suites you best? Unfortunately the answer doesn’t come that easily.

Before turning decision time into a nightmare, you should weigh up the importance of the decision. In other words, pick your battles – if it’s a decision that doesn’t really affect anything and which you can change at any time, don’t sweat about it! Go with your impulse!

So when you are ready to make a big decision, you are right on target if you want to make an informed decision and here’s how.

1. Do your research. Get all the facts and information and get opinions from people that have faced the same situation before. This will help you to see how it turned out for them and why as well as how they feel about the decision. If they regret it, ask why.

2. Ask for advice. Don’t just ask what you should do though – ask friends if they were faced with the same decision, which option they would chose and why. That way you get to see different opinions and motivation behind it.

3. Take as much time as you can before committing. Impulse decisions made when you were feeling pressured or vulnerable could cause long-term anguish.

Remember that no two people are the same and you need to remember that your feelings and values differ from other people. Don’t go with a decision unless you are 100% sure it is in line with your values and beliefs and always have an exit strategy!

Your dreams or your love

With the divorce rate at an all time high and the fact that so many people opt to not commit to marriage, one wonders what keeps people from finding true happiness. It’s not just a matter of falling out of love.

Speak to any number of married couples and you’re sure to hear of at least one couple where partners are living the life their partner wants them to live and missing out on their own dreams or goals.

This is usually a very subtle thing in relationships where you just go along without giving it much thought. Yet, when you realise it, you may feel stifled and unhappy in the relationship and have too many commitments to allow you to cut your losses.

For me, the first question that springs to mind is how they missed the part of goal setting in the beginning of their relationship, which involved what they each wanted out of life in the long term.

The two most prominent examples here are when partners have different views on sex and money. Or where one partner is introverted and the other partner extroverted and needs a large circle of friends in order to be happy. The introverted partner would then spend a lot of time around a lot of people instead of quiet evenings at home. Or vice versa.

In relationships where one partner is more dominant, the less dominant partner would often give in to the needs of the dominant partner to keep them happy at their own expense. The less dominant partner is less likely to demand a compromise which is fair to both parties and often give up something which is important to them.

This problem could lead to long-term resentment when it involves the core values, which is why it is so important to discuss these upfront.

If you are likely to be the dominant person in a relationship, you need to stop and ask your partner how they feel about things before steamrollering them into situations they don’t enjoy before destroying a potentially great relationship.

Embracing Change

How people perceive you is vital in creating popularity. Kindness and caring can’t be imitated though – so don’t make it about you; make it about them!

1. Remember names – people feel really good when someone they once met remembers their name a week or more later.

2. Show you care – listen when someone tells you something and next time you see him or her, ask about the situation.

3. Don’t show off – this is a major turn-off in anyone. Bragging about your achievements or possessions won’t make people like you – you are liked for your personality.

4. Love yourself – again, without showing off. It’s never nice hanging out with miserable or intense people. Be a fun person to be around. Be confident and comfortable in your own skin.

5. Keep a bit of mystery – you don’t need to tell everyone and sundry about every detail of your personal life. Keep some boundaries in place and only share problems with really close friends and keep that to a minimum. Don’t make people feel like you just want to dump your problems on them.

6. Be loyal – stick to plans and promises. Stand up for your friends and support them when they need you to.

Remember: If you can say it to them, you can say it about them to others. Don’t ever say something behind someone’s back that you won’t say to his or her face.

Becoming Popular

How people perceive you is vital in creating popularity. Kindness and caring can’t be imitated though – so don’t make it about you; make it about them!

1. Remember names – people feel really good when someone they once met remembers their name a week or more later.

2. Show you care – listen when someone tells you something and next time you see him or her, ask about the situation.

3. Don’t show off – this is a major turn-off in anyone. Bragging about your achievements or possessions won’t make people like you – you are liked for your personality.



4. Love yourself – again, without showing off. It’s never nice hanging out with miserable or intense people. Be a fun person to be around. Be confident and comfortable in your own skin.

5. Keep a bit of mystery – you don’t need to tell everyone and sundry about every detail of your personal life. Keep some boundaries in place and only share problems with really close friends and keep that to a minimum. Don’t make people feel like you just want to dump your problems on them.

6. Be loyal – stick to plans and promises. Stand up for your friends and support them when they need you to.

Remember: If you can say it to them, you can say it about them to others. Don’t ever say something behind someone’s back that you won’t say to his or her face.

Build lasting friendships

1. Be a good listener – Listen when they talk, instead of rushing to talk about yourself. Support your friends emotionally and be a soft place for them to fall.


2. Don’t be needy – Don’t sulk or be jealous if your friends have other friends. Have get-togethers and tell them to invite their other friends, thereby everyone can have a good time and expand your circle of influence.


3. Two-way street – Don’t demand too much. All relationships require give and take, in equal shares. This goes for emotional and other situations. You should reciprocate as often as you can, invitations, gifts, and being there for one another.


4. Be trustworthy – don’t betray your friends by lying to them, gossiping, messing with a partner, etc. Friendship should be a safe place for a person to be with another person they can trust completely.